You know I love you, but
by Isadtd
Summary: Always is their timeframe, but what does it entail, really?


A/N : This is my way of shaking the negativity I read around the fandom (I'll stop, now)

All the whining is really bringing me down, making it hard to write my other fics. So in this one, Castle is doing what they say they do, he gives up. (Also, why would anyone make the effort to comment about a show they are gonna stop watching. Why waste the time to say you're gonna stop? Just do it. I'm really confused.)

Sorry for the rant. Angst ahead.

* * *

><p><em>All this time I still remember everything you said<em>

_There's so much you promised, how could I ever forget?_

_Listen: you know I love you but I just can't take this_

_You know I love you but I'm playing for keeps_

_Although I need you I'm not gonna make this_

_You know I want you but I'm in too deep._

_In too deep – Genesis_

"Don't leave me alone," Castle whispered loudly to his daughter. He eyed with horror the young actresses swarming around him, eyeing him a like a piece of meat. A rich meat. It might have been fun a while ago but he realized now how ridiculous it was. One blonde bimbo ogled him up and down, licking her lips.

"Ew," he pointed at Alexis, next to him. "My daughter's right there." He took the red-head by the arm and hurried to another corner of the garden. "How come this just makes you laugh now. I think I preferred the righteous teenager."

Alexis grinned. "Well, it's still gross. But now, it's also funny how uncomfortable you are with it."

"Ah ah!"

She placed a kiss on his cheek. "Thank you for coming with me to this. I know it must be weird."

"Weird? It's my ex-wife wedding, why would it be weird?" He winked at her. "I'm actually happy for your mum."

They both turned to Meredith. In an ivory dress, she was laughing, clinging to her new husband. Greg was a nice guy. An ex baseball player, he was now a consultant for some local TV station. They had met, two years ago, at some party in LA. Where else?

"I think she's happy."

"And I think he can handle her, so win-win."

"Dad," she chided gently.

"What? I say that with love. I really couldn't. I'm just glad someone can."

* * *

><p>Castle didn't see Meredith until she was sitting next to him. He was too busy watching Alexis dance with some teenage actor Meredith co-stared with a while ago.<p>

"Our daughter is..."

"All grown-up, I know," he sighed.

"I was gonna say beautiful."

"That too."

They smiled at each other.

"It's a beautiful wedding, Meredith. You look radiant."

She smiled a little brighter. "Thank you, Richard. I am happy," she turned toward Greg, dancing with his mother. "We are."

"I'm really glad."

"And are you?"

"What?" He was confused.

"Alexis is going to college in a few months. Martha's studio is a hit. How are you doing?"

He dismissed her worried tone.

"I'm fine. I'm good."

"Still pining for your detective?"

"I'm not pining!"

She looked down at her hands, not really able to say it to his face. "I used to be jealous of her, but then I heard from Alexis how happy and excited you were, following her around. And the books are so good. But, Rick. Is it still the case?" Her head perked up, tilted. "Are you happy?"

Before he could answer, Greg had appeared at her side. He kissed a spot underneath her ear.

"Your sister wants to take pictures with the whole family."

"I'm coming," she got up, smiling at Greg like she had never smiled at her ex-husband. A happy, carefree, loving smile.

Hand in hand, the newlyweds walked to the gathering photo op. Greg stopped, turned around and looked at the writer.

"You coming?"

The question startled Castle. "Hum, no. I don't think..."

"Come on, whole family," Greg insisted.

Castle looked at Meredith, who gave him no clue.

"I don't know..."

"What would it look like? Alexis without her Dad in the picture? I'm her step dad. Help me win some brownie points, here? Please?"

The man was really nice and diplomatic, Castle thought. He followed them, grabbing Alexis on the way.

* * *

><p>Another brush with death. Another close call. He still tasted the gag in his mouth, smelled the gravel, heard the screeched of the approaching train, felt the press of her body against his, chained on the tracks. He also heard her muffled screams, saw her eyes, wet with tears. Regret, frustration and sadness all rolled into one look. Love too, he was sure he saw love in there too. He had screamed her name against the gag. He had screamed 'I love you's' too. Not that she could understand. Not that he understood what she was yelling either. But it sounded like it.<p>

And then it stopped. Well, it didn't happened like that. But it was all blurry. All he knew that they ended up a little farther from the tracks as the train passed. All banged up and bruised, Ryan and Esposito next to them, complaining about their weights.

"You okay?" Beckett's voice pulled him out of his musing.

"yeah, just... hum..."

"I know," she smiled.

"We have to stop getting into these situation. My phone never survives."

She chuckled but it sounded hollow. She placed a coffee cup in front of him, sitting across the break room table with her own.

It was quite late. The precinct was deserted. The bad guys behind bars. But none of them wanted to go home. They needed the company and the coffee was a good excuse. They talked a bit, about Ryan's new obsession - planking, about Esposito and Lanie. Eventually, they came back to the train.

"I really thought we were done for, this time," she whispered.

"Me too... Kate, I," he stopped when her hand found his on the table. He looked at her, really looked at her. Then without a word, he got up, leaning over the table, his face hovering just over hers. He gulped once before closing the gab, his lips resting on hers for just a moment before he backed away, sitting down.

He took a sip, waiting for her shock to dissipate. But Gates walked in.

"I though I told you to go home?" The words were harsh but tone was soft. Like a mother, chiding her children. "Go get some rest, detective. You too Mr Castle." For once, Beckett didn't argue. She left, saying simply good night. He took care of their cups and left too. She was already gone.

* * *

><p>The next day, he came in. After a mundane day of paperwork and an easy case, he decided to push his luck.<p>

"Wanna go grab dinner?" He asked as nonchalantly as he could. They hadn't talk about the night before. So very them. But maybe he could pick up where they left off.

She was embarrassed, refused to look at him.

"Hum, no Castle. I'm tried I'm gonna head home, okay? Good night," she said, grabbing her coat. She ran more than she walked to the elevator. He never felt more rejected in his life. He wondered if he was chasing a mirage.

* * *

><p>Castle didn't come the next day, nor the next one. He did appear when she called about a body but something was off. The team was watching them interact, trying to guess what happened. Castle was slowly pulling away from the precinct. Invoking writing, meetings or book tours. He used to be able to balance all of these things. Canceling the tours most of the time. But not anymore. He couldn't remember when he stopped entirely coming in. But it happened at some point.<p>

Alexis and Martha had had questions. He eluded them and they gave up. He found new things to do, new hobbies. He took flying lessons. He was happy. Of course he was. No new women but he was mending a broken heart, that was to be expected. He was barely at home. No need, Alexis was at college, his mother had moved out now that her studio was doing well. He was busy. Sometimes he would find a note. Beckett left messages on his phone. He always called back. Using a code he found on the internet to get to her voicemail directly... Yeah, he wasn't proud of that. He called the boys, always when he was out of town. He avoided her.

But she managed to corner him anyway. He had a tax control at the Old Haunt. When he came back up afterwards, he saw her at the bar. It was early in the afternoon. He suspected she might have been behind the control. If he had an adjustment, he would make her pay.

"Hey."

"Hey Castle. You're a very busy man those days."

"Yeah, sorry, you know, books..."

"Stuff.. I know. You said, repeated this non sense over and over really," she was calm. He drank in her appearance. She was so beautiful and... He tried to control himself. That's why he didn't want to see her. That made it so much harder.

"Castle, are you stopping the Nikki Heat series?"

"No," he answered honestly. He was giving up Kate Beckett but he had to keep Nikki Heat, small consolation.

"So I guess you had enough material."

"For fifty books at least!" He tried to smile. He was pretty sure he failed.

She was searching his eyes. "Why did you stop following me?" She was hurt, he could tell. He started to laugh. Couldn't help himself. She looked at him angrily. "You think it's funny?"

"No." But he was laughing hysterically. He sat down next to her. He shook his head when the barman came for him. He didn't want a drink.

"How do I say this?"

"With words?"

He chuckled.

"I'll go for plainly. I love you, Kate. But you knew that already," he held a finger. "Don't insult my intelligence by denying it. I love you but I couldn't do this anymore. It was killing me. I was alienating everything in my life for you and you gave me nothing. I'm not blaming you. You didn't ask for anything. I was doing it gladly but it was selfish and a little self destructive. You changed my life and I'm glad for that. You will always be one of the most important person in my life. But I need to stop seeing you."

There was shock painted on her face, disbelief also.

"You said always," she spat. He remained calm.

"And I meant it. Really! Just didn't know I was wrong on the meaning. I'll always love you. It's just won't be from a place near you, Kate. I'm sorry I left without explaining. But I wouldn't have been able to anyway. It wasn't that clear in my head when I started to pull away. So," he got up. "I wish you all the best. You deserve to be happy, Kate and I hope you find it." He gave her a tight smile and walked away. No kiss on her cheek, not hand shaking. He just couldn't touch her without risking taking a few step backwards in his 'recovery'.

"Rick, wait!"


End file.
